Introduction

Introduction

I reported sexual harassment last year at my place of employment. An overall asshole at my work took it to the next level to dirty old man-pig. He was found guilty and sanctioned.  Doesn't matter.  Months later, I am still coping and being triggered - even after a medical leave.  I am coping with the constant feelings of helplessness. What happened that day was gross, yes, but nothing worth even repeating. No. The trauma came/comes from the reporting process, having to deal with retaliation in various forms from this individual and seeing which orgs and individuals defend him and/or do not support me. It continues. I fight as I can. I seem to never win. He persists in ways within the law. He gaslights. He hides behind his union, and, they protect him.

It truly has been one step forward, three steps back every time he pulls something else.  It is hard to heal never mind cope on the daily.

Here's is glimpse into an honest woman's head trying to cope in the aftermath of reporting. I have looked at getting past this (in between his stunts) from every which way. Nothing worked/works. The best I got from a counselor is,"You're not ready yet to forgive and move on. That's OK. Get through it however you need to."  I told her of my dark thoughts and fantasies and how they make this all go away for me.  "What kind of person does that?", I asked out loud.  But deep down, I knew it helped.

So, how do I get through the worst of days? Creative expression. I fantasize about his death or other horrible accidents that get him out of my life and the lives of other women he continues to hurt. 'Cause, he doesn't relent and I am forever on his radar until he is gone or I quit my  job. I  balance this darkness. I also find a quote that speaks to how I am feeling or need to feel that day, or, I use food as drug but try to make it healthy so he also doesn't steal more health, or, I turn to music.

This blog contains dark humor/art related to man-pig's death or severe harm mixed with some coping skills from my actual year. It is honoring a process to get me back to powerful that IS helping me - art therapy if you will.  I have to do whatever it takes to be whole again. Thus, I have no shame in being dark to get to light as part of that process.  To be clear, I have no inclination to act on any of my fantasies or cause physical or mental harm to this troll. The honest-to-goodness, real fantasy is he understands what he did was wrong, what he did since is more wrong and he spends the rest of his life making amends and apologizing. But, THAT'S not gonna happen, so...

I am putting this out there.  It is dedicated to all woman who report all manner of sexual harassment or abuse and carry on.